My Defense. 11/2/10

I wonder what you think when you see the sadness on my face,

all the painful emptiness like a map you can so easily trace.

I wonder how you feel when I turn and look away,

to hide the fact I notice that you see what I can't say.

I wonder how you understand,

but I don't attempt to question;

I more so try to hide it behind my mask of new directions.

This isn't a mask of simplicity that can be altered to fit your ways,

but rather a mask of protection to hide my darkest days.

This mask is my own and can fit no other face,

for it has come specially designed for myself and my never dying ways.
Though this mask serves no defense against the physical attacks,

it confines the restless storms,

and allows me to fight back.

I trap myself within in the pain,

Confine myself to this stupid game.

I hide it all so well,

At least until the problems swell.

Once the problems start to show,

I have no grip,

I lose control.

No longer will this mask suffice,

My defense is down,

I lose the fight.

This fight to hide the way I feel,

This fight to block what I know is real.

So as I stand here,

Shattered and bruised,

I should be fixing what I can’t undo.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned,

I hold it to be true,

You really can’t fix what you can’t undo.

So instead of fighting,

To fix a problem that won’t mend.

I worry more about how to defend.

So as I walk by and you stare,

I wonder what you think,

I wonder if you care;

But more importantly what I do,

Is try to figure how to rebuild the mask,

to hide in front of you.

Lost and Found

I need to keep writing. Perhaps on a daily basis. I think that if I continue to write more and more then eventually I can form a spot of release for all my thoughts so I can stop letting it build up. I'm lost in this place and I'm hoping to be found, by myself and others just the same.

Writing has often been a form of release for me, but never has it been really helpful until high school. Once I got to high school and things really came into a different perspective and view I realized that I had to write. No longer was it simply I could write or I couldn't, but rather I HAD to write...

Friday, October 29, 2010: Venting...

They say that if you keep writing eventually something will come to mind and begin to flow. I just don’t know what is bothering me right now, but something is… It’s just like something is off balance. I can’t explain it. I don’t know what it is that is off balance, but there’s something not connecting. I remember being in McDermid’s class my sophomore and junior year and always having her tell me that if I couldn’t think of anything to write to just keep writing “I don’t know what to write” until something came to mind. For some reason that never worked and I don’t know what will. I mean rambling on and on is really easy for me, and quite honestly will generally lead to the source of distraught and out of place feelings if I keep writing long enough. It’s just the time it takes to actually reach those feelings, if I even do.

I hide. I hide from all sorts of things. I do it on a daily basis. Sometimes I don’t even know who I am because sometimes it’s gets to the point where the mask is so engraved into my person that it begins to alter the person on the inside completely. Honestly though, I haven’t known who I am for a long time, I’m undefined. I suppose in ways that’s not necessarily a bad thing, then again I would like answers to some of my questions.

Maybe my problem is I search and search for answers. For someone or something to explain the things I don’t know the answers to. Sometimes with a little searching we find those answers, other times we don’t have any idea ever. I just wish that I wouldn’t be so oblivious to some of the things that are right in front of me. I know I have people who love me and care about me and would do so much for me, but I feel so alone and I don’t understand it. I don’t understand how I can feel so abandoned and so out of place in this world. I don’t understand how things can get so bad, why we can suffer so much and search forever to heal it and it just stays within you digging at the person you are.

In ways I just wish I could quit. I wish I could just give up and run away and not have to worry about it all. Sometimes I wonder if being alone would be easier than being around people at all, but the confusion, the contradicting thoughts are just so hard to deal with sometimes. I just wish for something to be different. Actually I wish for lots of things to be different. I just wish too much. Maybe I find comfort in the fact that perhaps there’s something that would change. That perhaps by me wishing for a difference, there will be a difference.

I know that people say when you write or talk things out it actually makes things better. For me I’m not sure that’s the case.

Teaching and Learning.

I LOVE kids! I love being in the classroom enviroment and watching them learn, work and socialize. What's best though is when I get to help. Being at Walt Clark has really helped me this year. Being able to be at the school with people I love, who love me and doing what I love is really the best thing for me. Aside from teaching and helping them though, I learn and gain from what they do. When I'm at Walt Clark I don't feel the stress, the anger and all the things that cause me problems. Instead I'm doing something that makes me happy. Teaching is the goal I've been driven to achieve since third grade. So I'm striving to make it happen.

Lately I've been so stuck in a place of darkess. Though I'm getting better, it's still hard. I have learned that everything takes time though. Band is over and I feel like a weight has just been lifted off of my shoulders. I feel like I finally can start functioning and making a change in a positive way to my senior year. So though I still struggle, I'm better and that's what counts.

Change

I wonder all the time about everything. my mind never stops going. Which is both a blessing as much as it is a curse. I wonder what my dad would think if he saw me now. I wonder what you think as you're sitting there reading this. I like being my own person, but at the same time, I wonder about the outcomes of being a different someone. A new face in the crowd. It's weird in a sense, I understand that. I'm weird though. I'm not normal. Then again normal isn't really there. Everyone should belong in their own way BECAUSE of their differences. Not because they fall into the paths that people, society,  try to bound us to. That's just not how it works though. In order to function in the world you have to be able adjust to change. Change is the only constant. It's how it's always been. It's how will be for a long time...

I know with time you have to learn to adjust and move on. You have to be able to accept that you are
OKAY. Everyone comes to terms with this at different times. You have to realize that it's not you, you never did anything wrong. Your problems don't define you, they form you into the person you've become. Every hardship doesn't make you become weak, it builds you, makes you stronger.

Free Write...

I'm sitting in Dee's class over at Walt Clark, it's 7:41, I decided now would be a really good time to get away, but I have no where to go. I want to run away to the mountains for a while. I have wanted to for a long time. I want to find a place of peace. I want somewhere to just clear my mind and not feel like I have to be doing something or working on something, but where I could simply just be.

This school year, so far, hasn't been very good. There has been a lot of conflicts and I feel very out of place within the school. I know it's my own problem. I know that in time, as do all things, it will fade. I just wish that it wouldn't have started out this way. I wish that all of us that are having a hard year didn't have to. I wish for a lot of things, some of which I know I can make happen. Other things are less likely to happen. It doesn't mean that I can't wish or hope for it though. I've learned that people spend there entire lives hoping, wishing, for something better, something to change. For something more then everything they have ever had. Everyone sees this world in a different perspective. Every event, everything that could happen, or does happen, is perceived in a different way by each individual person.

I find it funny because often I come back to this quote, I suppose it's because I really like it, regardless I really wonder if people feel the same when it comes to being questined with this. "What happens when life seems to be viewed through a constantly morphing kaleidoscope where words won't come, your body is experiencing a series of violent earthquakes which have evacuated emotion, and no answer to the question "what's wrong?" comes close to the truth?"-J. A good friend came up with this when we were in ninth grade and I've held on to it because I've found it to continue to be true. I guess once you've dug a hole so deep it begins to consume you, you constantly climb, try and escape. On the way up you slip, you fall back down, or you catch yourself before you hit bottom and continue to climb back up. It reminds me about all these holes because there is "There's three in the hall, from those pictures in the closet. Two in the bedroom from that night I lost it and one deep inside me, determined to stay. They don't get any bigger, but they don't go away. Holes in and around me, I keep falling back into, holes. Dig in and surround me..."-Holes, Rascal Flatts

I brought this up when I was writing in Spanish two the other day, but I find it funny because even though I haven't written just for a free write or anything since sophmore year, my writing hasn't changed. It's still jumbled, all over the place, and random. I don't think there is anything wrong with it because it still can be followed. I just think that with a year and half gone by, it would have changed a little more drastically then it has.

I don't know what else I can really say right now. I'll come back to this later. Maybe start a new one. I have to stop wrting for now though.

A Word Is Just A Word: Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Words, that's where you start I suppose, but it's so hard when they can't even line up straight in your head, let alone on a piece of paper.. All these thoughts swirling around and never ceasing. I can't even decide where to start, one thought is there and it is lost in the mess again by another thought that just had to pop in, which is soon blocked out by another that decided to pop in and that chain won't end. This makes it so hard to function..."It's like in that moment I couldn't breathe, move, I, along with my world, stood still and full of emptiness.." Right now that's a great description. I feel lost within the mess of my head and the mess of my world.

You know what though? All these thoughts, words, just make me think about the fact that "A word, is just a word, until you mean what you say." Lately I have been really thinking about that. I've been thinking about the fact that when asked 'how are you?' you initially say "good" or "okay", not thinking about the question, those are both very blunt answers which truly don't give a description to how you really are feeling. We block out the truth so often, we hide it in ourselves and play pretend, like our life is some act that just hasn't been written down on paper. It's written within you though. Most of the time, that's where it stays.

So much from the last two years has been on my mind, So often you can be told to "Foget the past." "Move on." With some things though, it is so hard, and i'm not sure some people really get the fact that I can't necessarilly move on, there is a lot within some situations, and with some people that I just can't drop it. I can't shove it off and act like it was never there. It was and it will always be. I think that often people just think that if you want to change you can and "TA DA" it's all better. Well that is not that reality of this.

I wonder if you are reading this. I wonder if we are still on the same page like we use to be. I wonder if you are still there in the same way you were freshmen year. I still talk to you. I just talked to you tonight actually, but I feel like something disappeared, like how it was, and is, are completely seperate then yet, exactly the same. It worries me, sometimes I feel like i'm going to lose you soon. It scares me really bad I just want you to say you ARE there, and that you aren't leaving me too. I can't lose you as well. I just couldn't handle that.

This is hard to continue to write about with my mind in such a haze, I got out what I think I needed. If not, I know that in this moment, it's all I can get out.

I Hope You're Happy Now: Sunday, July 19, 2009

I hope you're happy now.
I hope you realized what you've done.
I hope that the darkness envelopes you,
leaving you never ending thoughts of what you've become.
Maybe you'll get that feeling.
Perhaps you'll understand.
When left in the life of your loneliness I hope that you finally can.
I hope you're happy with yourself.
Deep inside you know that's all you have.
Yourself and your emptiness.
That's a good feeling huh?
Alone and abandoned,
you did it to yourself.
You act as if you're happy..
more than just myself can see it isn't true.
Sometimes I can't help but to feel sorry,
sorry for what you've done to you.
But I hope you're happy now,
with yourself and what you've become.
-Kortnie

Trapped and Frozen in Time: Tuesday, July 07, 2009

I'm running, in the dark, i'm trying to escape, just get away. I feel trapped. But I go on, farther and farther, closer to my escape. Once I reach it though, were do I turn?



I feel stuck, i'm so confused on how i'm suppose to feel, confused on who to talk to, and i'm not having luck letting go. Why does it have to be so hard? Why is there so much more suffering, and grieving, but so little happiness? There's hardships through your entire life, and everyone experiences these in different ways starting at different times. When it comes to some of the hardships, some people will never get it, others will get it, but not experience the same situation, which also leads to little understanding.

You're in the fight for yourself, most of the time, you only are going to have a few close friends your whole life and that's it. So i've learned the hard way.. But i'm learning, i'm making it easier on myself, i'm going to be able to win this fight between myself, between the world..

Words..words..words, so much could be typed, so much that could be said..but i've come to a bump in the road I don't know what to say..So I freeze and leave it at this..

The Feeling That Dwells Inside: Thursday, November 20, 2008

I hate the feeling that dwells inside of me right now. I want to say something, always want to say something, but for some reason I open my mouth and the words dissapear, and I don't understand why.

  I can't sleep lately there's so much on my mind, so much running through my head by the second that I need to do something, so for some reason I resort to writing, to express myself to who knows who. As I sit and debate over each word, each key in which I'll stroke next, I begin to think, really deep. I mean to the point where I'm stuck in this whole other world, like I'm here but I feel like I'm not and everything is so distant when It's right in front of my face. So as I get farther and farther into my writing It's like a flow that comes from my subconscious mind. If that makes any sense. In a way I like it, that distant feeling of I'm here but completely gone at the same time. I know this probably comes across weird in some ways I'm sure no one's going to understand what I'm trying to say, in other ways I know many who will. This is were it comes back to my conscious mind, when I take in what everyone is saying, and then am immediately forced to say something without much thought, you can't pause for long periods before speaking throughout a whole conversation, It just doesn't work that way, but It's hard. I always try to think before I speak just because I don't want to say the wrong thing.
  This all comes back to the million thoughts running through my mind right now. What do I do when there's so much I want to say? How do I say any of this without being judged? Without feeling like everything I say is wrong in someway? I'm so stuck within this mental arguement, this debate between me and everything I say. I wonder if there's anyone who will even be able to answer these questions, at least aside from myself.
  I'm not sure exactly what sparked the writing of this, but I felt like I needed to say something. I needed to write to make my head feel sort of clearer. To know that this isn't all built up inside, but now, typed up on a page in which many others can read. In some weird way It makes me feel like It's not all completely left to be figured on my own, but now If someone reads this and has some words of advice I'll get it. It feels like I could take all I can get right now. I love getting others perspectives, opinions, and seeing how they're similar and completely different from mine. It makes me feel and understand more about just how many people actually deal with all of this and get what I'm saying.

  I suppose this feeling that's dwelling inside will die down with time, but for now I said what was needed, at least for the most part, so now I stop.

-Kortnie

Within Thoughts and Time: Monday, July 21, 2008

I've had a lot of time to think today and last night. Last night I was injured, I have an immobilizer on my entire leg because I tore a ligament in my left knee. It's amazing how much can go through your mind when your laying in bed with your leg up and iced for eight hours. I always have things running through my mind, I'm always thinking. Which isn't neccessarily a bad thing, but not always good either. As most know, I've had quite a bit happen in my life, and a lot of it comes to mind often. Mentioning that, I had a friend ask me why I think about that stuff, and you know what I said: "It's not that I sit here and try to think about that kind of stuff, but when it's not just part of the past, and it's part of the present, it's hard to get out of my mind." The conversation pretty much ended there.  I have had so many people come in and out of my life. Between death, moving, and fights. Some of the losses are really hard and some are for the better. Today, someone I became close to this year, moved. See they finally got a job, something they've been needing, and I'm happy for them. But now something pulls at me, tugs at my thoughts. Some pretty serious stuff happened this year with me. This person was here and helped me through it all, along with Jenn. Now that he's gone, it really is getting to me. I thought it would of been harder the last time I saw him but for some reason it's getting to me bad right now. It feels like he's farther away then he's ever been before and I don't neccessarily mean in distance (those who know me will understand what I mean by that).
  I still have Jenn though, which helps even it out. I have lots of other people too..It's just hard for me right now and I don't know how to explain it to them....but Jenn understands..
  I've had other things going through my mind as well today. Like how when you take a chance to really just relax and watch the earth move around you, feel the air and watch the clouds as drift over head, it gives a feeling that is so amazing I can't explain it. I feel completely in tact with nature. Like, sometimes I feel when there's no where to go and I need to release and clear my mind, I'll go sit somewhere outside far away from people and just think. Think to myself of all my problems, the stress, and current things going on. In return I feel like someone's listening as if nature actually hears what I'm thinking, and it soothes me.  I feel relaxed and at peace with myself, and it helps so much. I don't relax much, it seems hard to in the world we live in now. But those few chances when I do, no matter how long, it really helps me.
  So, as things continuely change and my thoughts continue to overflow, It's nice to know where, and who I can go to. Whether it's just to talk, to think, or to have a shoulder to cry on. I have some very important people, and without them I wouldn't be doing as good as I am today. So even through the stress and problems, I know you all are always there and I thank and love you for it.

All for now.
-Kortnie

As The World Keeps Spinning: Sunday, May 25, 2008

Time will never freeze...

         Life is so often taken for granted and if not life, it's the short amount of time we have to live that is. From experience I'm saying this with heart, "DON'T WASTE TIME." By wasting time there's so much you miss, you lose, and you never see. I sadly spent this year too focused on the fact that people are leaving me, rather then on the fact that I have time left with them to make memories and be happy. It's hard to know I wasted all that time, which can never be made up. And now, I'm one week from school ending. One week from 10 goodbyes. I have one week to try and make-up for 4 wasted months. REALITY...I can't make it up. I'll never get back what I lost, and it's hard to accept. There's so much in this world, so much that is taken for granted. We have so much to cheerish and so much to live for, and yet, we take it all for granted. I'm saying this to maybe open more peoples eyes. Just like mine have been opened in the past week. Sometimes we don't know what is wrong or how to fix it until somebody brings it up. At least, that's what happened with me. If I hadn't recieved a message recently from a certain un-nameable, I wouldn't have had the slightest realization of any of the things I'm writing about. I guess I can't really say there's a point to this message. I just really felt the need to write, to say something, and in return have someone listen. Friends and family are some of the most important things you'll ever come to find in this world. Even though we tend to not get along with our families or we sometimes get into arguments with close friends over stupid things, we need to hold on to those people. In the end, they're all you'll have. Your family and a few close friends, is it. In this world a lot of people are just in for themselves. So when you find someone that will be there for you, that cares, and that will help you through whatever it may be, HOLD ON.

     I've made some bad choices, but who hasn't? I've wasted time of which I shouldn't have, but once again, who hasn't? I've matured more then others my age. I've come to realize things that half the students in my school probably haven't. I've become stronger with every hardship that I have dealt with in my life. I see and understand life, in ways, better then almost anyone my age would. Losing people close to you, having people move away, etc. These are all things I've dealt with. All things that I currently am dealing with, but you know, I just have to learn to accept it's a part of life. And even though it's hard, there's no way to get around it if you can't accept it.

     Maybe this will help someone. Or perhaps it would make no difference at all. I wrote this to write, to help myself completely accept the reality of things. To know that not only am I on the inside accepting it but I can express and say so on the outside. The whole just of things, the message to try and imprint on ones mind is: "DON'T WASTE TIME." Once it's gone, you can never get it back. So surely if your reading this, think about it maybe, I know I have.

all for now.

-Kortnie

Silence Now Shared: Thursday, February 14, 2008

 Silence Now Shared

Silence.
That's all that's shared between us two
As I stare,
lost in my thoughts,
watching him intently.

No longer talking to one another,
I wonder what's running through his mind?
I hope he's not mad,
If so,
How mad is he.
I didn't do enough,
to make him hate me,
Did I?

I want to say something,
oh do I ever want to say something.
Yet, the words won't escape my mouth,
I just continue to stare,
I hope he will understand
I never meant to hurt him.
I was always trying to do the right thing,

always trying to be the right one,
the hero,
always caring,
and always there,
but now,
all there is,
is silence.
 -Kortnie Moore