My Defense. 11/2/10

I wonder what you think when you see the sadness on my face,

all the painful emptiness like a map you can so easily trace.

I wonder how you feel when I turn and look away,

to hide the fact I notice that you see what I can't say.

I wonder how you understand,

but I don't attempt to question;

I more so try to hide it behind my mask of new directions.

This isn't a mask of simplicity that can be altered to fit your ways,

but rather a mask of protection to hide my darkest days.

This mask is my own and can fit no other face,

for it has come specially designed for myself and my never dying ways.
Though this mask serves no defense against the physical attacks,

it confines the restless storms,

and allows me to fight back.

I trap myself within in the pain,

Confine myself to this stupid game.

I hide it all so well,

At least until the problems swell.

Once the problems start to show,

I have no grip,

I lose control.

No longer will this mask suffice,

My defense is down,

I lose the fight.

This fight to hide the way I feel,

This fight to block what I know is real.

So as I stand here,

Shattered and bruised,

I should be fixing what I can’t undo.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned,

I hold it to be true,

You really can’t fix what you can’t undo.

So instead of fighting,

To fix a problem that won’t mend.

I worry more about how to defend.

So as I walk by and you stare,

I wonder what you think,

I wonder if you care;

But more importantly what I do,

Is try to figure how to rebuild the mask,

to hide in front of you.

Lost and Found

I need to keep writing. Perhaps on a daily basis. I think that if I continue to write more and more then eventually I can form a spot of release for all my thoughts so I can stop letting it build up. I'm lost in this place and I'm hoping to be found, by myself and others just the same.

Writing has often been a form of release for me, but never has it been really helpful until high school. Once I got to high school and things really came into a different perspective and view I realized that I had to write. No longer was it simply I could write or I couldn't, but rather I HAD to write...

Friday, October 29, 2010: Venting...

They say that if you keep writing eventually something will come to mind and begin to flow. I just don’t know what is bothering me right now, but something is… It’s just like something is off balance. I can’t explain it. I don’t know what it is that is off balance, but there’s something not connecting. I remember being in McDermid’s class my sophomore and junior year and always having her tell me that if I couldn’t think of anything to write to just keep writing “I don’t know what to write” until something came to mind. For some reason that never worked and I don’t know what will. I mean rambling on and on is really easy for me, and quite honestly will generally lead to the source of distraught and out of place feelings if I keep writing long enough. It’s just the time it takes to actually reach those feelings, if I even do.

I hide. I hide from all sorts of things. I do it on a daily basis. Sometimes I don’t even know who I am because sometimes it’s gets to the point where the mask is so engraved into my person that it begins to alter the person on the inside completely. Honestly though, I haven’t known who I am for a long time, I’m undefined. I suppose in ways that’s not necessarily a bad thing, then again I would like answers to some of my questions.

Maybe my problem is I search and search for answers. For someone or something to explain the things I don’t know the answers to. Sometimes with a little searching we find those answers, other times we don’t have any idea ever. I just wish that I wouldn’t be so oblivious to some of the things that are right in front of me. I know I have people who love me and care about me and would do so much for me, but I feel so alone and I don’t understand it. I don’t understand how I can feel so abandoned and so out of place in this world. I don’t understand how things can get so bad, why we can suffer so much and search forever to heal it and it just stays within you digging at the person you are.

In ways I just wish I could quit. I wish I could just give up and run away and not have to worry about it all. Sometimes I wonder if being alone would be easier than being around people at all, but the confusion, the contradicting thoughts are just so hard to deal with sometimes. I just wish for something to be different. Actually I wish for lots of things to be different. I just wish too much. Maybe I find comfort in the fact that perhaps there’s something that would change. That perhaps by me wishing for a difference, there will be a difference.

I know that people say when you write or talk things out it actually makes things better. For me I’m not sure that’s the case.

Teaching and Learning.

I LOVE kids! I love being in the classroom enviroment and watching them learn, work and socialize. What's best though is when I get to help. Being at Walt Clark has really helped me this year. Being able to be at the school with people I love, who love me and doing what I love is really the best thing for me. Aside from teaching and helping them though, I learn and gain from what they do. When I'm at Walt Clark I don't feel the stress, the anger and all the things that cause me problems. Instead I'm doing something that makes me happy. Teaching is the goal I've been driven to achieve since third grade. So I'm striving to make it happen.

Lately I've been so stuck in a place of darkess. Though I'm getting better, it's still hard. I have learned that everything takes time though. Band is over and I feel like a weight has just been lifted off of my shoulders. I feel like I finally can start functioning and making a change in a positive way to my senior year. So though I still struggle, I'm better and that's what counts.

Change

I wonder all the time about everything. my mind never stops going. Which is both a blessing as much as it is a curse. I wonder what my dad would think if he saw me now. I wonder what you think as you're sitting there reading this. I like being my own person, but at the same time, I wonder about the outcomes of being a different someone. A new face in the crowd. It's weird in a sense, I understand that. I'm weird though. I'm not normal. Then again normal isn't really there. Everyone should belong in their own way BECAUSE of their differences. Not because they fall into the paths that people, society,  try to bound us to. That's just not how it works though. In order to function in the world you have to be able adjust to change. Change is the only constant. It's how it's always been. It's how will be for a long time...

I know with time you have to learn to adjust and move on. You have to be able to accept that you are
OKAY. Everyone comes to terms with this at different times. You have to realize that it's not you, you never did anything wrong. Your problems don't define you, they form you into the person you've become. Every hardship doesn't make you become weak, it builds you, makes you stronger.

Free Write...

I'm sitting in Dee's class over at Walt Clark, it's 7:41, I decided now would be a really good time to get away, but I have no where to go. I want to run away to the mountains for a while. I have wanted to for a long time. I want to find a place of peace. I want somewhere to just clear my mind and not feel like I have to be doing something or working on something, but where I could simply just be.

This school year, so far, hasn't been very good. There has been a lot of conflicts and I feel very out of place within the school. I know it's my own problem. I know that in time, as do all things, it will fade. I just wish that it wouldn't have started out this way. I wish that all of us that are having a hard year didn't have to. I wish for a lot of things, some of which I know I can make happen. Other things are less likely to happen. It doesn't mean that I can't wish or hope for it though. I've learned that people spend there entire lives hoping, wishing, for something better, something to change. For something more then everything they have ever had. Everyone sees this world in a different perspective. Every event, everything that could happen, or does happen, is perceived in a different way by each individual person.

I find it funny because often I come back to this quote, I suppose it's because I really like it, regardless I really wonder if people feel the same when it comes to being questined with this. "What happens when life seems to be viewed through a constantly morphing kaleidoscope where words won't come, your body is experiencing a series of violent earthquakes which have evacuated emotion, and no answer to the question "what's wrong?" comes close to the truth?"-J. A good friend came up with this when we were in ninth grade and I've held on to it because I've found it to continue to be true. I guess once you've dug a hole so deep it begins to consume you, you constantly climb, try and escape. On the way up you slip, you fall back down, or you catch yourself before you hit bottom and continue to climb back up. It reminds me about all these holes because there is "There's three in the hall, from those pictures in the closet. Two in the bedroom from that night I lost it and one deep inside me, determined to stay. They don't get any bigger, but they don't go away. Holes in and around me, I keep falling back into, holes. Dig in and surround me..."-Holes, Rascal Flatts

I brought this up when I was writing in Spanish two the other day, but I find it funny because even though I haven't written just for a free write or anything since sophmore year, my writing hasn't changed. It's still jumbled, all over the place, and random. I don't think there is anything wrong with it because it still can be followed. I just think that with a year and half gone by, it would have changed a little more drastically then it has.

I don't know what else I can really say right now. I'll come back to this later. Maybe start a new one. I have to stop wrting for now though.

A Word Is Just A Word: Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Words, that's where you start I suppose, but it's so hard when they can't even line up straight in your head, let alone on a piece of paper.. All these thoughts swirling around and never ceasing. I can't even decide where to start, one thought is there and it is lost in the mess again by another thought that just had to pop in, which is soon blocked out by another that decided to pop in and that chain won't end. This makes it so hard to function..."It's like in that moment I couldn't breathe, move, I, along with my world, stood still and full of emptiness.." Right now that's a great description. I feel lost within the mess of my head and the mess of my world.

You know what though? All these thoughts, words, just make me think about the fact that "A word, is just a word, until you mean what you say." Lately I have been really thinking about that. I've been thinking about the fact that when asked 'how are you?' you initially say "good" or "okay", not thinking about the question, those are both very blunt answers which truly don't give a description to how you really are feeling. We block out the truth so often, we hide it in ourselves and play pretend, like our life is some act that just hasn't been written down on paper. It's written within you though. Most of the time, that's where it stays.

So much from the last two years has been on my mind, So often you can be told to "Foget the past." "Move on." With some things though, it is so hard, and i'm not sure some people really get the fact that I can't necessarilly move on, there is a lot within some situations, and with some people that I just can't drop it. I can't shove it off and act like it was never there. It was and it will always be. I think that often people just think that if you want to change you can and "TA DA" it's all better. Well that is not that reality of this.

I wonder if you are reading this. I wonder if we are still on the same page like we use to be. I wonder if you are still there in the same way you were freshmen year. I still talk to you. I just talked to you tonight actually, but I feel like something disappeared, like how it was, and is, are completely seperate then yet, exactly the same. It worries me, sometimes I feel like i'm going to lose you soon. It scares me really bad I just want you to say you ARE there, and that you aren't leaving me too. I can't lose you as well. I just couldn't handle that.

This is hard to continue to write about with my mind in such a haze, I got out what I think I needed. If not, I know that in this moment, it's all I can get out.