My Defense. 11/2/10

I wonder what you think when you see the sadness on my face,

all the painful emptiness like a map you can so easily trace.

I wonder how you feel when I turn and look away,

to hide the fact I notice that you see what I can't say.

I wonder how you understand,

but I don't attempt to question;

I more so try to hide it behind my mask of new directions.

This isn't a mask of simplicity that can be altered to fit your ways,

but rather a mask of protection to hide my darkest days.

This mask is my own and can fit no other face,

for it has come specially designed for myself and my never dying ways.
Though this mask serves no defense against the physical attacks,

it confines the restless storms,

and allows me to fight back.

I trap myself within in the pain,

Confine myself to this stupid game.

I hide it all so well,

At least until the problems swell.

Once the problems start to show,

I have no grip,

I lose control.

No longer will this mask suffice,

My defense is down,

I lose the fight.

This fight to hide the way I feel,

This fight to block what I know is real.

So as I stand here,

Shattered and bruised,

I should be fixing what I can’t undo.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned,

I hold it to be true,

You really can’t fix what you can’t undo.

So instead of fighting,

To fix a problem that won’t mend.

I worry more about how to defend.

So as I walk by and you stare,

I wonder what you think,

I wonder if you care;

But more importantly what I do,

Is try to figure how to rebuild the mask,

to hide in front of you.