Words, that's where you start I suppose, but it's so hard when they can't even line up straight in your head, let alone on a piece of paper.. All these thoughts swirling around and never ceasing. I can't even decide where to start, one thought is there and it is lost in the mess again by another thought that just had to pop in, which is soon blocked out by another that decided to pop in and that chain won't end. This makes it so hard to function..."It's like in that moment I couldn't breathe, move, I, along with my world, stood still and full of emptiness.." Right now that's a great description. I feel lost within the mess of my head and the mess of my world.
You know what though? All these thoughts, words, just make me think about the fact that "A word, is just a word, until you mean what you say." Lately I have been really thinking about that. I've been thinking about the fact that when asked 'how are you?' you initially say "good" or "okay", not thinking about the question, those are both very blunt answers which truly don't give a description to how you really are feeling. We block out the truth so often, we hide it in ourselves and play pretend, like our life is some act that just hasn't been written down on paper. It's written within you though. Most of the time, that's where it stays.
So much from the last two years has been on my mind, So often you can be told to "Foget the past." "Move on." With some things though, it is so hard, and i'm not sure some people really get the fact that I can't necessarilly move on, there is a lot within some situations, and with some people that I just can't drop it. I can't shove it off and act like it was never there. It was and it will always be. I think that often people just think that if you want to change you can and "TA DA" it's all better. Well that is not that reality of this.
I wonder if you are reading this. I wonder if we are still on the same page like we use to be. I wonder if you are still there in the same way you were freshmen year. I still talk to you. I just talked to you tonight actually, but I feel like something disappeared, like how it was, and is, are completely seperate then yet, exactly the same. It worries me, sometimes I feel like i'm going to lose you soon. It scares me really bad I just want you to say you ARE there, and that you aren't leaving me too. I can't lose you as well. I just couldn't handle that.
This is hard to continue to write about with my mind in such a haze, I got out what I think I needed. If not, I know that in this moment, it's all I can get out.