The Feeling That Dwells Inside: Thursday, November 20, 2008
I hate the feeling that dwells inside of me right now. I want to say something, always want to say something, but for some reason I open my mouth and the words dissapear, and I don't understand why.
I can't sleep lately there's so much on my mind, so much running through my head by the second that I need to do something, so for some reason I resort to writing, to express myself to who knows who. As I sit and debate over each word, each key in which I'll stroke next, I begin to think, really deep. I mean to the point where I'm stuck in this whole other world, like I'm here but I feel like I'm not and everything is so distant when It's right in front of my face. So as I get farther and farther into my writing It's like a flow that comes from my subconscious mind. If that makes any sense. In a way I like it, that distant feeling of I'm here but completely gone at the same time. I know this probably comes across weird in some ways I'm sure no one's going to understand what I'm trying to say, in other ways I know many who will. This is were it comes back to my conscious mind, when I take in what everyone is saying, and then am immediately forced to say something without much thought, you can't pause for long periods before speaking throughout a whole conversation, It just doesn't work that way, but It's hard. I always try to think before I speak just because I don't want to say the wrong thing.
This all comes back to the million thoughts running through my mind right now. What do I do when there's so much I want to say? How do I say any of this without being judged? Without feeling like everything I say is wrong in someway? I'm so stuck within this mental arguement, this debate between me and everything I say. I wonder if there's anyone who will even be able to answer these questions, at least aside from myself.
I'm not sure exactly what sparked the writing of this, but I felt like I needed to say something. I needed to write to make my head feel sort of clearer. To know that this isn't all built up inside, but now, typed up on a page in which many others can read. In some weird way It makes me feel like It's not all completely left to be figured on my own, but now If someone reads this and has some words of advice I'll get it. It feels like I could take all I can get right now. I love getting others perspectives, opinions, and seeing how they're similar and completely different from mine. It makes me feel and understand more about just how many people actually deal with all of this and get what I'm saying.
I suppose this feeling that's dwelling inside will die down with time, but for now I said what was needed, at least for the most part, so now I stop.